So Close
by notsoinnocentfangirl
Summary: So close to life, so close to death, so close to insanity, so close to him... and yet so far away. Set after the Whomping Willow incident, Sirius' POV. RL/SB


_**A/N: Hey guys. This is a bit sad. I don't even know why I wrote it, because I don't even really believe Sirius was capable of everything that led up to the Whomping Willow incident. But I started writing, and though I started the story with one this in mind, this is what I got. Read please. It's sad, but read anyways. Don't stop till you get to the end. **_

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing related to the Harry Potter series. I am making no money from this. **_

_**Warnings: Slash, obviously. Also, if you like Snape, you may not want to read. **_

**So Close**

"Sirius?"

The name is whispered quietly, barely heard over the erratic beating of my heart. I don't really know what I am doing, why I want to do what I am doing, but at the moment, it feels as if there is nothing left to fight for, nothing left to _live_ for. I am in a daze. No thoughts, no feelings, only actions. I want to forget. I want to stop hurting, to stop being the awful person that I am. I want to stop hurting those who mattered.

I want to die.

"Sirius," the same voice says again, louder this time. I try my best to ignore it though, because _it is all in my head. He's not even talking to me. He hates me. I disgust him. He hates me he hates me he hates me. _I've been hearing his voice a lot lately. It seems set out to drive me mad, because I know it's never really real, that he's never truly here, close enough for me to hear him as he speaks to me. It is just my imagination, set on playing the cruelest sort of tricks on me.

I try to drown out the voice as I step closer to the edge of the window sill outside of the Astronomy Tower, looking down at the blackened ground so far below me. Will it hurt once I finally hit the ground? Will I even still be alive to feel the pain? I guess it doesn't matter. If it hurts, Merlin knows I deserve the pain.

"Sirius." There the retched voice is again, filled with panic, as if he would actually _care. _That's why I know that the voice doesn't exist. That it's only in my head, because Moony stopped caring about me a long time ago.

He stopped caring for me on the day I sold him out to a Slytherinn.

I had been so stupid, so rash. I hadn't meant to let it slip. Snape had just kept talking and talking about how he was going to find out whatever secret our group had been keeping, because he was _positive_ that it was something, and how he was going to get us all in trouble and…

No, I'm lying. That hadn't been what made me snap. I was use to him bragging about how he was going to find things out, as if he was just _destined _to discover what we were hiding, as if it was his _right _to know. And I was use to him trying to get us in trouble. He even succeeded sometimes, but we always made sure to pay him back when he did.

There's no paying him back for this though. What I did… it is all on me, a heavy weight of guilt and regret lying on my shoulders. _It was all my fault_. And I'm the one paying for it this time.

What had made me snap was the way he had talked about Remus, calling him weak willed, nothing more than a puppet for me and James and even bloody _Peter _to play with and boss around and then discard, as if Remus is no better than some trash made specifically for us to throw away at the end of the day.

It had maddened me so much when he had accused me of being the one to put all of those scars on Moony, _beautiful, broken Moony_, saying that I did it as a kink, that I got off from causing one of my best mates, _Remus, of all people, who deserved it less than anybody, _pain.

And then, with the way he leered at me and said that he would do the same, that he could understand why I would enjoy fucking Remus and laying my claim on him, marking him…

It had made me so sick, and so the information I had given Snape had merely slipped. I had snapped, and in doing so, I had made the biggest mistake that I could have.

I told him how to get past the Whomping Willow, into the Shrieking Shack, where Remus sat, minutes away from transforming into a full grown werewolf.

I had sent Snape off to his death, all because of a bunch of meaningless words that had come out of his hideous mouth.

For just a moment, yes, I had wanted him dead. In all honesty, I still do. But I hadn't wanted to turn Remus into a murderer.

Oh Sweet Merlin, I hadn't wanted to hurt Moony at all. I don't want to hurt Moony at all. _I love him so much. _

But I had. _I had I had I had. _I had watched him cry, watch him look at me with disgust and betrayal and something so close to hate that it made my heart lurch into my stomach, and I knew that nothing I did, _nothing_, could ever make up for the pain I had caused. I still know this. Nothing has changed.

I had betrayed my best friend, my lover, _my love, _and I had lost him in the process. I've lost him, he's still lost, and I'll never get him back. I'll never deserve to have him back.

He's only said five words to me since he completely banned me from his entire life, since he broke up with me and ended our friendship and cursed me for who I am, since he told me to leave him be, since he said he hated me and that I was worth nothing, that he could never trust me again, much less forgive me. He's only said five words since he cut me out of his life, and those five words may have been what finally pushed my over the edge. _You're nothing but a Black._

_Nothing nothing nothing. _I'm no better than my family.

"Sirius," the voice says again, so much like Remus' use to sound when he'd worry about me, when he was cautious and unsure and _soothing. _I shake my head, feeling tears fill my eyes as I take a deep breath. I won't listen. I won't turn. I won't give into the desire to see him only to find out that he isn't there. _Because I have driven him away._

It is only in my head.

Now, I am getting ready to jump. And I will jump, I will. I will not be a coward and back out of this. I will no longer _be just like my family. _I will stop hurting the one person who is more important than anyone else.

And this seems to be the only way. _Because what else can I do? How else can I stop hurting him, poor, sweet Remus, when just seeing me, just having me here, seems to hurt him desperately?_

I have seen the way Remus looks at me each time he sees me, in the Common Room, in class, in the Great Hall, in our dorm… which I still sleep in because Professor McGonagall had thrown a right fit when she had caught me sleeping in the Common Room for a week straight. I think she had know why I was sleeping down there, and had forced me back into the dorms in hopes of making us, the broken Marauders, all make up, of making everything go back to how it was before… _which is impossible because they all hate me, would rather have me dead then ever talk to me again, and I deserve it. _

I had hurt Remus so badly. I'm hurting him still. So that is why I am doing this. That is why I'm preparing myself to jump. Not to stop my own pain, but to stop Remus'. He doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve what I'm doing to him just by being here.

"Sirius," I hear again, closer this time, just feet away. I feel my arms tingle and my shoulders relax, feel my hands sweat and my throat grow dry, the way they always seem to do when Remus is close. I shake my head again though, because _he isn't there. He isn't there isn't there isn't there. _It was only my imagination, set out to torment me for what I had done.

I open my eyes again, looking down at the ground once more, seeing the trees and grass and everything else that surrounded Hogwarts. Perhaps, when I finally land down there, I'd hit the ground so hard that I'd be nothing more than a part of it, nothing but a piece of the earth.

Would Remus ever think about me when I am dead?

I laugh, a bit insanely, looking up at the darkened sky. I can see the star I had been named after, shinning bright, and I glare at it, wishing I could take it down. Maybe it wouldn't be so bright once I was gone. I didn't want Remus to have to remember how we use to sit out here, right on this sill, and talk and laugh and _kiss and hold each other tightly, _looking up atsky as we did so. We were so happy… so in love. But that was back before I had broken his trust. Back before I had ruined every little thing that made me happy in life.

I shudder, fighting tears. I had ruined things. The one thing in my life that was good, that was pure, and I had ruined it. I had hurt him. _I'm still hurting him._

"I'm sorry Moony. I'm sorry _I'm sorry I'm sorry. _I'm so sorry, and I know you can't forgive me, so this is what I'll do for you. For you. _It's always been for you, everything that I do. I love you."_

I feel a hand touch my shoulder, softly skimming down my arm and reaching down to grab my hand, _just like Remus use to do. _

That's when I know my brain has finally lost it, that I've finally lost my mind, because I can feel Remus, his scar roughened hand against my skin, I can hear him, softly breathing and whispering my name, and I can smell him, smell his scent of chocolate and pine and just a little bit of me, and I know I've finally hit the point of no return.

And, realizing this, realizing that while I'm crazy, I'm also happy, content, because my last moments will be with him filling my senses, I jump.

"SIRIUS!!!!" I hear a voice scream, and finally I found the courage to see Remus above me, so far above me, and getting smaller and smaller and smaller. He had tears streaming down his cheeks, his hand stretched out, as if to reach for me. It looks like he had lunged forward, had tried to grab me before I fell…

I smile softly as I fall, allowing gravity to take me, to end my life. It feels right, having him be the last thing I see before I die.

Good bye.

Seconds later, my world goes black.

"Sirius? Sirius, Sirius, Sirius, please wake up, please. Please. Wake up, open your eyes. Come on now. Sirius? Sirius!"

I open my eyes slowly, expecting to see nothing but clouds or maybe fire, Heaven or Hell, but there is Remus, leaning over me, tears streaming down his cheeks, my wand, which I had left lying in the Astronomy Tower, grasp tightly in the hand that he wasn't running over me.

"Does it hurt anywhere? Are you in any pain? I cast a levitating charm on you a few seconds after you fell, _jumped, I correct him silently_, but it wasn't quite strong enough, so you still hit the ground pretty hard. You should be ok though. You only fell from like 3 feet or so once the charm wore off. I would have done it sooner, maybe that would have kept you from falling at all, but I didn't have my wand, and I almost didn't find yours in time. Oh god Sirius, I almost didn't cast the spell on you in time. You could have died."

I close my eyes again, "I know."

"Why were you standing so close to the edge Sirius? Why were you even out there? It's so cold out. Why weren't you in the dorms? If I hadn't come looking for you, you would be…" he stops talking, seeming to be unable to say the word, _dead_, choking back tears and laying his head on my chest, trembling harshly.

I laugh softly. "Aren't I dead?"

Remus pulls away from me, staring at me in surprise. "Sirius, Padfoot, why would you say that? Of course you're not dead. Merlin…. Why would you think you were? Are you ok? Oh gods, I almost lost you." He lays his hand on my cheek, his tears leaving cool trails along my own skin from where they fall off of his face.

I shake my head. "I have to be dead Remus. Because if I wasn't, if I was still living, there is no way you'd be here with me."

Remus sobs, clinging to me tightly. "Gods Sirius. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for everything I've said, everything I've put you through. I never knew it hurt you so badly. I'm sorry. I love you. Please, never try anything like this again."

"Why are you apologizing?" I asked, placing my hands on his damp cheeks. "You never did anything wrong. You haven't done anything wrong."

"I hurt you," Remus tells me, looking disgusted with myself.

I shake my head. "No, I hurt you. I've been hurting you. That's why I jumped. I thought it'd stop you from hurting. "

Remus sobs again, his hold tightening on me. "You idiot. You thought killing yourself would stop me from hurting? Sweet Merlin, Padfoot, I would have died if I found out you were dead."

I sit up slowly, looking down and Remus, _beautiful, sweet, caring Remus. _"I thought you hated me."

Remus shakes his head, turning slightly to place a moist kiss on my cheek. "No Padfoot, I was angry. I needed time. The things I said… I didn't mean any of them. I'm so sorry I said you were nothing but a Black, that you were just like your family. I'm sorry I pushed you away. I know you didn't mean to tell Severus my secret. I just needed time to think."

I swallow thickly, not believing my ears. "You shouldn't be sorry. I deserved every word that you threw out at me…" 

"No. no Sirius, you didn't deserve a word I sad to you, but I was angry, and betrayed. I needed to clear my head. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry for everything I put you through. I love you. I don't want you dead."

I sigh, looking at my friend, my ex lover, still my love, and reach for him slowly, still unsure. "I'm sorry too Remus. So sorry. I didn't mean to let the secret slip. I didn't mean to hurt you. and I'll never try to kill myself again, so long as you're with me. I just want you to make me happy."

Remus smiles, a smile that seems to light up the darkened sky, and I feel short of breath, because it's been so long since he's looked at me like that. "I forgive you Sirius. And you'll forgive me. And maybe things won't go back to how they were before, but we can make them better, we'll be stronger because of this. And you'll never try to kill yourself again, because I'm not letting you out of my sight. I almost lost you once. I won't risk letting it happen again."

He stretches upward, kissing me gently, and I sink into him, kissing him back just as softly. "Are you sure I'm not dead," I ask, deliriously happy.

Remus laughs, shaking his head. "You're not dead Padfoot. I'm going to make sure you don't die for a time now. I love you."

I smile, for real this time, the type of smile I haven't been able to manage for a long time now, and I pull Remus, _my friend, my lover, my love, _closer to me, holding him just as tightly as he held me. "I love you too Moony."

It was astounding, how close I had come to losing him, so many times, in so many different ways. But now that I have him, secure in my arms, I will not let him go. I will not mess up again.

He forgave me.

I can live again, mere seconds after I had been so close to death.

_**A/N: Well there you go guys. I gave you a happy ending. I hope you liked it.**_

_**On another note, for anyone reading "Just A Misunderstanding," my multi chaptered fic, I need some help. I'm trying to write out the chapter for the date, but I've never actually been on a date before… so do you guys think you can help me out? Some tips, some suggestions, some requests, anything would help me out in getting that chapter posted faster. If you can help. Just PM me, or let me know in this review. Though if you do the second one, make sure you leave your comment or opinion on this story as well please. **_

_**And one last thing. I got a review for another one of my oneshots, "It Started With A Dream, saying "Gay are you? I should have known, from what you had wrote," or something like that. I'm quoting it from memory, so I don't know. Do you guys think I'm gay? It doesn't matter to me, or bother me. It's not like I've stated my sexual preferences. I'm just really curious about what exactly the review, and the reviewer, meant. So please let me know, before I die of curiosity and am no longer able to writer any more stories. Thank you. **_

_**Thanks so much. Now go off and review to tell me how great I am and to help me out. **_


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